8 People-Pleaser Pitfalls and Ways to Overcome Them

We can’t be everything to everybody and maintain a healthy, abundant life!

Being a “people-pleaser” will surely sap the life out of you, and possibly from those around you.

According to a 2017 blog article in PsychologyToday.com (“10 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser”):

“You’ll never reach your goals if you’re trying to be all things to all people… For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked…Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.”

Below are eight signs that you are a people-pleaser:

You apologize way too often:  People-pleasers tend to apologize even when they clearly know a situation is not their fault.  You excessively blame yourself, or you have a fear other people are always blaming you.  Don’t apologize for being you. Note: This isn’t an excuse to do or say anything without considering other people’s boundaries.  It means that you have to appreciate your own uniqueness and maturely handle your own personality’s responsibility.

You always feel responsible for how other people feel:  It is important and balanced to be aware of how your behavior affects others.

However, it’s neither your duty nor your responsibility to make someone happy! Each one of us is responsible for our own emotions.

You find it extremely hard to say “no” to others:  In a 2019 article from Healthline.com (“How to Stop People-Pleasing (and still be nice)”):

“You might worry that telling someone “no” or turning down a request for help will make them think you don’t care about them. Agreeing to do what they want might seem like a safer option, even if you don’t actually have the time or inclination to help.

  Many people agree to do something when they’d rather not, like helping someone move. But a pattern of this can cause problems since it tells people their needs come before yours.  Some people may abuse this, ignoring your boundaries because they know you’ll do what they want anyway.”   

Conflicts and arguments upset you:  Healthline.com also points out that:

“People-pleasing tends to involve a fear of anger. This is pretty logical. Anger means, ‘I’m not happy.’ So, if your goal is to keep people happy, anger means you’ve failed at pleasing them.  To avoid this anger, you might rush to apologize or do whatever you think will make them happy, even when they’re not angry at you.” 

You need other people to like you:  People-pleasers tend to be overly concerned about others’ rejection. You are constantly finding yourself trying to keep people happy with you so they won’t reject you. This leads to such emotional and physical drain over time.

People-pleasing vs. being generous:  This explanation of the difference between the two is from the Talkspace.com article, “How Does People Pleasing Negatively Affect Your Mental Health?”:

“People pleasing can look an awful lot like admirably generous or helpful behavior. But there’s a difference: while true generosity comes from healthy self-regard and genuine happiness from shared enjoyment, people-pleasing comes from a place of lowered self-regard and a need for others’ approval.” 

People-pleasers tend to act superficially:  Because people-pleasers need others’ validation so much, sometimes their actions tend to not always be genuine.  An online article from Thindifference.com (“People-Pleasers: The Good, The Bad, and The Fixable”) states that: 

“On a larger scale, though, people-pleasers are generally not pleasing others out of the goodness of their own heart. That’s why “people-pleaser” has its famously negative connotation. People-pleasers will do anything to obtain the validation of others; they’ll do anything to feel validated. That includes acting in an insincere and, as we’ve seen, sometimes malicious manner. Dramatic as it may sound, one could think of chronic people-pleasers as addicts of sorts. They crave validation and approval, and they’ll usually do whatever they need to do at the moment to get it. But they lack follow-through. Making false promises or telling a white lie may make someone else feel good at the moment, but that does not make the act noble, sincere, or good.”

People-pleasers can be taken advantage of by others:  Another point brought out by the Thindifference.com article drives home the almost co-dependent nature between people-pleaser and a person who I’d call an “emotional user”:

“People-pleasers are often taken advantage of as a result of their “other-focused” mindset. If you’re constantly worried about the comfort, welfare, and success of others, then you begin to neglect your own. There’s also a sense of desperation in this, or at least what others assume to be desperation. When malevolent or otherwise not-so-nice people sense this desperation – this need to makes others feel happy – they’re sure to take advantage of it. They’ll be sure to run you into the ground with their requests or with their needs because they know that they’re in control of when you get to be happy.”

Here are a few ways to keep people-pleasing in check:

-Set (and keep!) positive personal boundaries

-Learn the power of saying “No”

Know your true intentions for doing what you do for others (in other words, showing kindness when truly you mean it!)

Learn to put yourself first! (being mindful of your holistic needs is a good thing.  You can then truly gauge how and when to help others!)

Learn to wait until you’re asked for help!  This is a hard one!  People-pleasers tend to want to rush in and “fix” others’ problem(s).  Sure, we want to alleviate others’ pain.  However, your “fix” is not always needed!  Sometimes, people just want a “listening ear.”  Train yourself to WAIT…and if the other person really needs help, let them ask, and remember your positive boundaries.

Being a people-pleaser doesn’t make you a bad person.  It does mean that there is a need to honestly look at, and try to fix, people-pleasing habits that are inhibiting you from having a healthy and abundant life.

For more information, read my other related blog post:

Setting Personal Boundaries: Essential For Self-Care And Emotional Freedom

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