Give Yourself a Break! Self-Compassion is Good for You!
Having compassion towards others means that you feel empathy, understanding, and kindness to other people when they fail, make mistakes, and generally “fall short”. It means that you are not overly critical and judgemental towards others.
When you feel compassion for others, it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of being human.
Having self-compassion basically means that, with the same empathy, understanding, kindness, and grace that you show to others, you need to show to yourself. Allowing yourself to have failures, pain, and perceived personal shortcomings is an act of self-compassion. By acknowledging that we – just like everyone else – are human beings with human frailties, we can “give ourselves a break.”
We need to stop overly criticizing and judging ourselves so harshly! It is good (and wise) to acknowledge and correct our mistakes, and deal with them more efficiently, than if we are dealing with them with a negative image of ourselves. It’s a little hard to show others compassion when we don’t show it to ourselves.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s website, Self-Compassion.org, gives great insight into the subject of the importance of self-compassion. Also important, she notes the significance of what self-compassion is not:
Self-Compassion is Not Self-Pity:
“When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems. They ignore their interconnections with others, and instead feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others and exaggerate the extent of personal suffering.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and others without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. Also, self-pitying individuals often become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional drama. They cannot step back from their situation and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.”
Self-Compassion is Not Self-Indulgence:
“Self-compassion is also very different from self-indulgence. Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they’re afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. ‘I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of ice cream.’ This, however, is self-indulgence rather than self-compassion.
Remember that being compassionate to oneself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long term. In many cases, just giving oneself pleasure may harm well-being (such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato), while giving yourself health and lasting happiness often involves a certain amount of displeasure (such as quitting smoking, losing weight, exercising).”
Self-Compassion is Not Self-Esteem:
Can Turn into Narcissism (negative)
“Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways…In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out, or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves.
We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves…In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on). This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.”
Dr. Kristin Neff’s website is a great resource for further reading and learning about self-compassion. We all have to learn and practice self-compassion so that we can be equipped to nourish ourselves, and in turn, nourish others!
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